When You and Your Partner Don’t Want Sex The Same Amount
Are you in a relationship in which you and your partner have differing levels of desire for sex? This can be so challenging!
When you’re the person who wants to have sex more, you may feel rejected, unwanted, unsatisfied sexually, abandoned, hyper-focused on the lack of sex, anxious, resentful of your partner, and insecure.
When you’re the person who wants to have sex less often, you may feel pressured (by your partner of yourself), guilty, afraid of losing your partner, ashamed, self critical, and avoidant of sex.
Sometimes couples get stuck in stories about why this is happening that are not fully accurate, perpetuate the challenging emotions, and create distance between them. Some of these stories I’ve heard as a sex therapist:
The problem is the low desire person. They need to fix their issues with sex.
The problem is the high desire person. They need to stop being so focused on sex.
We just aren’t compatible.
The low desire person should just try harder to have sex.
The high desire person shouldn’t be so upset about this.
There is a “right” way to be sexual.
I encourage reframing these stories so that you have an accurate, compassionate, and helpful foundation for working through this together. Here are some suggestions for more helpful reframes:
This is a relational dynamic, which means both partners have a part in working through this.
Both higher desire and lower desire are normal and valid. No one needs to be “fixed”.
We can be compatible in many ways, even if we aren’t on the same page with sex.
It’s possible to find ways to meet each other more in our sexual relationship.
It’s okay to have big feelings about this and we can work through this together if we allow space and mutual compassion for these feelings we both have.
So…can this really change? Yes! Sometimes the difference in levels of desire is rooted in something that can be addressed. Some examples of what may be contributing to mismatched desire:
Not feeling emotionally connected to your partner (i.e. having communication issues, conflict, distance between you, or feeling unappreciated).
External stressors impacting desire and capacity for sex (i.e. work stress, social challenges, or parenting struggles).
Internal stressors impacting desire and capacity for sex (i.e. body image issues, chronic illness, identity confusion, self-esteem issues, unmanaged anxiety or mental health challenges, and burnout).
Limiting beliefs about sex (i.e. internalizing all of the “shoulds” you’ve heard about sex in your community and society as a whole and having a lack of comprehensive sex education).
Unprocessed sexual trauma
Hormonal or pelvic floor issues
Unresolved sexual challenges like sexual anxiety, sexual pain, compulsive sexual behaviors, & erectile issues
All of those factors and more can be contributing to this discrepancy in levels of desire. As you can see, desire discrepancy isn’t simple but there are so many things that you can work on individually and together to address it. You can get clarity on what barriers may be getting in the way of aligning more sexually, process the big emotions you both feel so that you both are heard & mutually supported, strengthen your relationship overall so you feel more comfortable & connected, and identify tools for co-creating a physical relationship that works better for both of you.
Because desire discrepancy can be complex and overwhelming, working with a sex therapist can be incredibly helpful. As a sex therapist, I have supported so many couples with this same challenge. I have witnessed many couples build more fulfilling and connecting sexual relationships, in which they can experience mutual pleasure, desire, and ease. I have also supported couples who realized they didn’t want to or couldn’t align with each other sexually explore other ways to meet these needs, process the grief & loss around this experience, and (for some) move towards compassionate separation. My goal as a sex therapist is not to push you to have sex more or any particular end point, but rather to support you in feeling more clarity on your needs, wants, boundaries, capacity, and what that means for your relationship. There is hope! You don’t have to stay stuck in this overwhelming and upsetting place in your relationship.
Taylor Kravitz, LMFT is a couples therapist and sex therapist in Portland, OR. She is passionate about helping individuals and partners build sexual lives that are pleasurable, fulfilling, and authentic. She loves helping folks in relationships build more closeness, understanding, & connection together. She provides individual therapy, couples therapy, and sex therapy to folks throughout Oregon.
If you are wanting support to process anything addressed in this blog, you may benefit from working with a sex therapist. Empowered Fulfillment Therapy offers sex therapy in Portland, OR (and all of Oregon). You can reach out to us to schedule a free phone consultation to get started.