No Sex Relationship? No Problem! How Not Having Sex Can Be Healthy in Relationships

Good relationships need to also include good sex, right? Not necessarily. Today I want to share why having a no sex relationship can actually be healthy and not a problem. 

This may either feel really relieving to hear or it may feel pretty frustrating or upsetting to hear. Whatever comes up for you as you read this is so understandable. If you’re leaning towards frustration, I want to invite you to take a deep breath and read on since this may allow you to better understand how you feel. 

Not everyone is or wants to be sexual & that’s okay!

The first thing that is important to acknowledge is that not everyone is sexual or wants to be sexual & this is valid. Human sexuality exists on such a wide spectrum and some folks just don’t want to have sex. They may be asexual (or on the ace spectrum in some way) and don’t experience sexual attraction/desire all or some of the time. Asexual people have always existed and there is nothing wrong with not experiencing sexual desire. Asexual folks (and their partners) can also still have wonderful, connecting, supportive, loving, and fulfilling relationships.

Some people may not be asexual but are in a season of life when their interest in sex is decreased. Again, this is valid and is not inherently a problem. If you’re not feeling interested in sex, that’s okay! Some common times this may come up include: while navigating pregnancy and postpartum, during a particularly stressful time at work, in the midst of grief and loss, while experiencing physical changes or issues (i.e. illness, chronic pain, cancer, menopause, etc), or during a personal crisis (i.e. acute mental health issues, identity confusion, major life change, etc). For those who are sexual, sexual desire naturally ebbs and flow throughout our lives. While it may be possible to address whatever is a barrier to your sexual desire and reconnect with your sexuality, it’s also okay to just be. If shame, guilt, and internalization of negative societal messages are the only reason this is a problem for you, then it’s important to address the shame as the issue rather than the lack of desire/sex as the issue. 

Sometimes the other wonderful parts of a relationship feel more important than sex.

You can have an amazing relationship with or without sex being part of it! For some people, the connection, love, friendship, shared history, sense of family, trust, safety, emotional attunement, and shared values/beliefs in their relationship are so meaningful, that the lack of sex doesn’t outweigh these strengths. 

While it may be possible to work together to discover if there is a path towards having a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship together, that is never a requirement of a good relationship. If you and your partner are happy with each other, that is enough. If you feel like the main reason you’re not happy with the lack of sex is shame or fear of judgement, that may be more important to address than sex itself.

The idea that one relationship must meet every single one of our needs is harmful.

The idea that one partner must meet every single one of your needs (including sexual needs) now and for the rest of your lives is harmful and unrealistic. This belief puts a ton of pressure on people in relationships & leads to a scarcity mindset. When this belief is at the core of a relationship, it can begin to feel incredibly scary and dire when sex isn’t happening. Pressure and scarcity lead to fear. And fear leads to protecting ourselves, which often looks like getting into conflict with our partner(s). From this place of conflict, we just get stuck in the mindset of the relationship “problems” and this feels even more hopeless.

When we shift to the belief that all of our needs can’t possibly be met by one human and that’s perfectly okay, there is much more space to approach unmet needs with curiosity. What if a need not being met in a relationship could be approached with curiosity instead of fear? Imagine what you could discover about yourself and your partner(s). If someone in a relationship is feeling upset about not having sex, try to approach this with curiosity. Why is this a concern? What do they worry this means about them or the relationship? What are their sexual wants or needs? Why do they want or need those things? Why is that important to them? You may discover their unmet need is actually the need to feel loved, safe, and secure in the relationship & that sex is one way they get that need reinforced. If this is the case, what else could help them feel loved, safe, and secure with their partner? You may discover they want to have sex because they’re longing for the physical pleasure that comes with the experience. If this is the case, maybe there’s room for them to expand their solo sex (i.e. masturbation) or to explore ways to experience pleasure together besides your usual sexual activities.

Acknowledging that one person can’t and doesn’t need to meet all of our needs is helpful in any relationship. While this can allow for space to potentially get needs met from other people (i.e. getting sexual needs met from someone else with consent from all involved), this belief is helpful in monogamous relationships too.

The bottom line: there is no “good” or “right” way to be sexual.

Outside of the basics like always having consent and being respectful of others, of course. If you and your partner(s) are fulfilled in your relationship without sex being part of it, then there is no problem there. If you’re not fulfilled and you or your partner(s) are feeling stressed, worried, insecure, disconnected, hurt, confused, or hopeless because of this, consider reaching out to a sex therapist for support.

So maybe you’re wondering…What’s a successful outcome for clients who come into sex therapy for no sex relationships?

My very honest but potentially frustrating for some answer: One in which both people feel seen, heard, understood, and at ease with their sexual or non-sexual relationship.

I’ve worked with couples who came into therapy feeling worried and disconnected due to having a no sex relationship & ended therapy still having a no sex relationship but feeling fully at ease and fulfilled with this. Sometimes they’ve realized they both just don’t want to be sexual right now. Other times, they’ve found other ways to get the deeper needs met. Some have been able to move towards an ethically non-monogamous dynamic so that the sexual person can get their needs met while still getting to enjoy all the good in their relationship. And some discovered the lack of sex was actually a symptom of not wanting to be in the relationship altogether and they moved through compassionate separation.

I’ve also worked with couples who came into therapy due to having a no sex relationship & ended therapy having a fulfilling and positive sexual relationship because they were able to address the barriers that were leading to the lack of sex. Sometimes they just needed to work on their emotional connection and then the capacity to be sexual together comes back. Other times they needed to work through internalized shame about sex, sexual anxiety, body image issues, sexual trauma, or past hurts in the relationship. And sometimes, it’s just been about them needing a space where they can finally talk about sex openly, get sex positive sex education, and co-create a more expansive and truly fulfilling sexual relationship.

As you can see, there’s not one best outcome. As a sex therapist, my goal is not to push you to a predetermined “good outcome”, but rather to honor your true and authentic feelings & needs so you can figure out what works for you and your partner with more ease. And that’s why having a no sex relationship can actually be totally healthy and not a problem.

Taylor Kravitz, LMFT is a couples therapist and sex therapist in Portland, OR. She is passionate about helping individuals and partners build sexual lives that are pleasurable, fulfilling, and authentic. She loves helping folks in relationships build more closeness, understanding, & connection together. She provides individual therapy, couples therapy, and sex therapy to folks throughout Oregon.

Do you relate to anything in this blog post? You may benefit from working with a sex therapist! Empowered Fulfillment Therapy offers sex therapy in Portland, OR (and all of Oregon). Reach out to us to schedule a free phone consultation to get started!